"Grief is like the ocean" I told my daughter, "you never really know when the waves are going to come flooding in & take your breath way. Yet, allow your tears to fall and your heart to be present in the moment". It has been five years since the passing of my father on 27 December 2014. I found myself barely....yes, that is the correct way that I felt -barely. I barely felt like I could function or I would force myself so much that I was just in survival mode- another form of Barely! Barely present for my family, barely there for my business, and barely there to celebrate the holidays. It wasn't a depression, honestly it was grief. I barely remember the days leading up to my dad's death & barely anything for months afterwards YET I barely functioned. I do know that during that time I quit a job- yep barely! I started a new job sometime in that time period....barely! That word and I have become close friends.
As I forced myself to deal with the pain that I thought I had face years ago, I began to realize that I was barely getting by after my dad died. I barely let him go. I didn't want to let him go. He was my safety net. He wasn't a rescue dad (you know the type, the kind that comes in and makes sure everything is ok so that the child doesn't have to deal with reality). His rescue was he knew my inner fears & he would calm my mind with his quiet spirit. He would remind me of how much Christ loved me with his stories. He help me gain my solid ground again when I wanted to run away from my own thoughts. I think my dad knew of my inner turmoil yet he never forced me to say it out loud.
I slowly began to recover from the word barely. I started to feel the spirit of Christmas (actually the day after yet I felt that it wasn't too late). Craig and I went out Christmas village clearance sale shopping. It was a fun day. I remember it & that it is a beautiful thing since barely guards the brain from memories (or it seems). So many of my "memories" have been barely there.
Through the experience, I purposefully and intentionally prayed for 2020 and how would I approach it. I have longed for CALM for years now. The military life can be very trying and I felt emotionally exhausted beyond explanation. I decided that although I my current situation (living in St. Robert, MO) wasn't ideal for me yet I must focus on CALM. ok...partly because my body started showing some adverse signs from the amount of stress. Severe unexplained heart palpitations! Yep, enough to even slow this racing girl down. So I decided and felt lead that 2020 would be about CALM. I would find my way to that place.
I got excited! I actually sat and rationed it out (planned) how there wasn't going to be anything that would shake my word & that going into 2020 would be easy.
Then the call!
**I am writing this a week after the call and from a week of living in whatever you call life after another call such as this**
"Mom"
"Yes, Tait"
"I thought you should know, since it impacts your children. Grandpa Johnson died today."
It was 8am (9am in Maryland where Tait lives).
Instant tears.... my mind races. My GOD, HOW do I love my children through this time. God I am BARELY over my own grief. I am BARELY holding on. Don't you remember the anguish that I have been praying. Don't you remember my word- CALM. GOD, HELLO, you did give me that word- right??? What am I suppose to do??? This was an internal conversation as I tried to gather my thoughts, tears & words to console my son.
"Mom"
"Yes Tait. I am so sorry Tait."
"Mom"...….and there goes living in barely again. The conversation is like wind carrying all it's pieces with it yet not the heaviness that on 29 December 2019. We **oh wait, can I say we cuz he is not longer my FIL- so the questions and confusion flood, lost another.
~ I will write more later. This has been my life for the past week. Trying to climb out of barely. Trying to support four children who lost their grandfather. Trying to stay strong yet grieve.
this is my discovery to CALM.
